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Concerned Ecards
unwelcome follower
If I were a famous individual my name would be prefixed with the phrase 'The Famous Recluse'. I know that sounds grandiose but I don't see any point in being a humble recluse. So anyway I like to provide excuses to recluses. Example: today's card. If you want an unbelievable life, stop being believable right now, I say.
inconsequential things
Whenever people get sad I usually try to make them feel better. I talk about the brief and anonymous life of the gastrotrich, a microscopic fresh-water creature that only lives for three days. People don't like to get sad around me.
listening
Sometimes, when I am enjoying the richness that is my inner-life, I notice that peoples mouths are moving. If I then observe their eyes are looking in my direction, I try to remember to nod musingly, once or twice, as if in profound agreement. Today's card? That's for when I forget.
unsuspicious
The solitary purpose of an Excuses Card is to extricate you from a social obligation. Just send a wrongcard and let me tell lies on your behalf. See? Your conscience is clear. And my conscience? I don't have one yet but I promise that a conscience is the first thing I'm going to buy when I'm rich.
calendar
It is a sad thing but sometimes people can get sick and this may occasionally result in the interruption of one's plans. Experience has taught me that nobody likes it when you leave a bed-side vigil to go jet-skiing. I believe this is because people are fundamentally irrational. Send a Get Well card and THEN you can go jet-skiing.
usefulness
The question of where one stands on the topic of Family largely depends on how much advice they've given you. I've been subjected to special quantities of well-intentioned advice that I've never followed. This is, incidentally, why I'm not an oyster farmer.
shoes
Excuses cards are intended to help you evade unwanted social engagements. It's always better to send a card than to show up and discover you need to stab someone in the leg with a fork. Unless they're serving profiteroles - those can often be worth the fuss.
freudian slipknot
Here's a vaguely NSFW-ish card that would be wrong for anyone to send to anyone. Unless, perhaps, to Mother. Allegedly I have issues. Can't afford a therapist so I did some self-diagnosis with shoplifted psychology textbooks. The diagnosis? Aside from my phobia of clowns my mental health is awesome.
moral high ground
If you have to apologize to anyone then there is no reason you can't enjoy yourself. Also: you're allowed to snicker. If anyone disagrees, say that a stranger on the internet said so. 'It's not a proper argument until you've quoted someone on the internet.' - Gandhi.