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Home Ecards
make yourself agreeable
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card, and then spend the rest of the day working undercover at a company that manufactures cafe furniture. For years I've been secretly implementing policies that ensure all cafe tables are sold with one leg slightly too short. I guess some men just want to watch the world burn.
wise
People say 'You're an easy person to agree with.' Or, 'It's easier just to agree with you' or something. I dunno, I try not to listen to flattery. Oprah once said that saying sorry is a sign of emotional intelligence but that doesn't help you at all if you don't do anything wrong. Some days I'm not sure Oprah is as infallible as I want her to be.
ears
I like to think of myself as someone who can get along with anybody except for clowns, bureaucrats and werewolves. But filling out forms with a pen is, uh, mental torture. Forms make me agitated. I scribble, panic, weep. I yell lots about 'not wanting to live in this plane of reality'. Anyway. I had to fill out a form today. You can kinda tell, can't you?
midnight contract
I hate seeing humanoids with black eyeballs. It makes it so much harder to relate to them. Now I'm not a judgmental person (except when I take an instant dislike to someone because I don't like their hat) but if I see a reptilian creature with bat wings I cross the street. I think it's because I don't want to get caught up in all their drama.
upcoming marriage
On re-hash Wednesdays I like to post an older card that many of you might not have seen and then I devote the rest of the day to raising money for Ann and Mitt Romney's charity, 'Children Without Skiis'. If I happen to meet a rich society lady at one of these functions and that leads to me getting married and entering the 'We Don't Pay Taxes' class, then ... no really, it's about the kids...
canine motif
'You didn't give me a Birthday card,' she said. 'Oh that's right, your Birthday is in September. When is it exactly?' 'It was two weeks ago.' 'Hmm, I should buy you a card.' 'You OWN a greeting card company!' 'That's right, I do - so can I make you a card, then? It's just that it would be cheaper for me.' 'Alright, 'she said, 'but I want it to be a nice card. A picture of a puppy or something.'
evolution
One of my daily challenges is the fact that I understand politics better than everybody else. I already know who will win the US election - some really rich Americans who live in Monaco and Switzerland. Normal Americans who live inside the United States won't fare so well, of course, but at least they'll get to have some interesting arguments among themselves at Thanksgiving.
ereshkigal
If you're an introvert you know what a pest invitations can be. You're not shy, you just don't want to be there... alone, in a crowd, feeling your authenticity being eroded by the battery-acid of inauthentic social expectation. Where was I going with this - that's right: excuses. Forget plausible excuses, they can be rebutted. No, a sophisticated introvert knows to employ the implausible...
dudes
As you know the jury is still out on science. That’s why I mistrust statistics, unless they’re my own, of course, 'cause I always check my statistics in my head, just to see if they feel plausible. Anyway today I wanted to do something for a Men’s Advocacy Group. I like to do things for men. Raise awareness of how we think. And I can already tell that 113.4% percent of you think I nailed it.
suspicious
Occasionally I get invited to weddings. My view about weddings is that there are plenty of cheaper ways of getting your hands on cake. It's not hard to shoplift cake but you do want to line your pockets with zip-lock bags. If ever asked why you can't attend a wedding shove a handful of cake in your mouth. Gives you time to think. Saw it done at a Pentagon press briefing once. True story.