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Home Ecards
upside of missing you
I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a man and sometimes I have emotions. When Bunheads got canceled I went into a bit of a dark place. I dragged most of my furniture into the backyard and burned it all in a cold rage, and grew a beard for a while. Downton Abbey reruns made me feel whole again. You know what? I'm dedicating today's card to you. And to Bunheads.
giraffes
Sometimes nice, well-meaning people will try and convince me that that lizards are not secretly running this entire planet. And privately I admit that this belief that primates rule the world is spooky and delusional but I don't SAY so, of course. I just smile and agree with them. The problem with people is that they lack a healthy skepticism. I blame the drugs that the lizards put in the water.
black mold
I'm not the tidiest person but that doesn't mean my friends shouldn't be. Sometimes I'll go over to a mate's place and think: how nice that you feel comfortable enough not to clean up before I arrive. So I tell them what Black Mold is. Ten minutes later they'll be disinfecting the linoleum under the fridge while I watch on, eating all the biscuits. You see, I have always liked biscuits.
or much too much
Earlier this week I was in a pillow-fight at a party and for some perverse reason I was being targeted by everyone, and this two-year old child came wandering past in diapers so I picked him up by the leg and used him as a human shield. Then I got a talking-to for most of an hour. I had no idea people get so emotional about human shields. Today's card is something I said that night.
tasting tolerance
As you know today is Rosh Hashanah, a famous Jewish holiday. I have a Jewish friend (hi Andy) but then, I'm a cosmopolitan guy who almost smoked a Dutch cigarillo once. It's important to have diverse, multicultural friends whose belief systems you can wear down over time. One day Andy will worship the alien lizard god. I'm very patient.
capable
People, I have a dream - and in that dream there's a goat flying a biplane wearing a leather helmet and goggles and he' chanting Wagner. That's why you shouldn't follow your dreams; sometimes they're rubbish. Now, today's card is an apology ecard. If you should ever really need a good card to apologize to someone for something, remember - wrongcards: not the best place for that.
black box
Obsessive compulsive disorder is a silent killer - mostly of bacteria and household germs. Not that I would make light of a disorder that my ideal house-cleaner would have, but it is OCD Awareness Week, you know. I think. Maybe it's in January. Look, they won't mind. I created a new category of cards for OCD week anyway. Just in case it's, like, now.
misheard
I have a theory. Have you ever vomited and thought: 'My God, there's tiny bits of carrots in it. Look at 'em all. Wait, I didn't eat carrots. When's the last time I ate carrots? I need to eat more carrots.' Anyway I have a theory. Your appendix? It produces tiny pieces of carrot for when you throw up. That's my theory. (I never said it was a good theory).
sheep
I know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.
seriously
I may be a Rapscallion but I also have high standards. This is why I absolutely refuse to drink in a bar that lets people like me through the door. A lot of people ask me how to get started as a Rapscallion but we have a very strict dress code and I always try to talk them out of it. You know, a Rapscallion is only three nice suits away from becoming a bounder. It's why I can't own nice suits.