Happy Holidays Cards | PAGE 3

Holiday Cards. An assortment of terribly tasteful Holiday Ecards. Free but ill-advised.

Christmas Columbus Day Easter Greetings Father's Day Fourth of July Halloween Greetings Happy Thanksgiving Mother's Day New Year's St Patricks's Day

Fourth of July Ecard with text: Happy July Fourth, commemorating George Washington's surrender of Fort Necessity to the French on this day in 1754. — about this card: surrender | I don't know a lot about Independence Day but I saw the movie and liked it. The only problem was that it gives the impression that July 4 started after aliens tried to take over the US back in the mid-nineties but, when you do the research, the Americans fought the aliens AND the French way back in 1750. Which makes you wonder why the aliens went away and waited for us to develop fighter jets before attacking again. Idiots.

Fourth of July Ecard with text: Americans will spend $600 million dollars on fireworks for the 4th of July. 99% of those fireworks will be imported from China. Happy Independence Day. — about this card: fireworks | One of my favorite things about Independence Day is when the pilot, who nobody believed had been abducted by aliens, turned out to have told the truth about it all. Nothing corroborates an alien abduction story quite like an alien invasion fleet turning up afterwards. Total vindication right there. Ever since I moved to the US and started stockpiling Chinese fireworks, I worry less and less about aliens. In fact: bring it on, aliens!

Mother's Day Ecard with text: Thank you Mother for refraining from eating me when I was small, and thus making this Mothers Day card possible. — about this card: possible | They say that my Mum had a very generous spirit. I have few memories of her, mostly they're of her leaving to go out on her rounds in her nurses uniform. It's a pity she wasn't a nurse. Mother's Day is an important holiday/scam run by the greeting card industry. I'll be honest about it at least until Wrongcards is profitable, after which I'm obligated to pretend it's not nonsense.

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: Let's celebrate St Patricks Day by dividing into two teams along arbitrary religious lines and then beating each other senseless. — about this card: irish brawl | I'm not saying that St. Patricks Day is a conspiracy perpetrated by Irish brewing countries in league with a cartel of manufacturers of green food coloring. No wait a minute, that IS what I'm trying to say. Sorry, there's something about this holiday that gets me all muddled. It might possibly be the alcohol speaking. Look, I'm very good at research.

Christmas Ecard with text: I am not buying you a Christmas Present because I am already such a gift in your life. And further gifts would be wasted on anybody who doesn't already know this. Illustration right: I JUST FELT LIKE DRAWING A LIZARD MAN. — about this card: gift lizard | Look, it's silly really. I promised a friend he could draw all the remaining Christmas cards of 2013. Alcohol may have been a factor. Anyway, look it's not the point - it's just that he's gone off the reservation. This week at Wrongcards we are learning about the importance of a carefully worded contract. Are napkins really admissible in court?

Christmas Ecard with text: 'Merry Christmas. Remember: it's probably not very sensitive to be leaving out cookies for a man who famously struggles with his weight.' — about this card: sad santa | | I watch Fox News so I know all about the plot against Christmas. That's right: conspirators are subverting people's belief in Santa. As a small business owner, and a believer in Santa Claus (I even saw him in a shopping mall once), I make this pledge: For every 1000 boxes of Wrongcards you buy I will send you a Fox News coffee mug (possibly chipped). Christmas saved, kids.

Christmas Ecard with text: Christmas. That time of year when we let an old, bearded man into our homes and stockings. — about this card: bearded man | Just because you don't understand what's going on doesn't mean you're confused. Look at me - I own a greeting card company (for admittedly 'troubled people') and I've never purchased or sent a greeting card in my life. Look at Christmas. Makes no sense to me but people invite me to their houses to give me pudding. I don't say anything about Christmas, of course. I just focus on the pudding.

Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: The best way to terrify children on Halloween is to take them along on your morning commute and explain to them that theis will be part of their daily routine for about forty years. — about this card: commute | Once there were people who knew all sorts of surprising facts. We respected them. Now, when people know surprising facts, we just figure they spent their lunch-hour at wikipedia. There's no thrill to being informed anymore. That's why I became a wikipedia editor. BTW if anyone tells you Halloween is about 'giant duck aliens', you're welcome.

Father's Day Ecard with text: Happy Fathers Day and thank you for teaching me about the birds and the bees by leaving your porn stash in a location that was conveniently accessible to children. — about this card: birds and bees | My Dad wasn't around much when I was a kid 'cause he was busy walking on the moon or making movies, so I had 20 or so 'other Dads', owing to Nanna's natural charisma. They taught me all sorts of things, like how to borrow cars, how to grow plants inside a cupboard and how to drive quickly away from banks. Today's card? Send it to your Dad(s).

Father's Day Ecard with text: Happy Father's Day and thank you for not contaminating my moral universe by giving me any material possessions. — about this card: moral universe | My father was Cary Grant. Or Neil Armstrong - my Nanna could get a bit inconsistent after her second bottle of turpentine. Dad being Cary Grant would make a lot of sense, of course, but if he was Neil Armstong then that would explain my tendency to always push everyone out of the way in trying to be the first through any door.

Easter Greetings Ecard with text: To truly celebrate Easter in the traditional way we must first locate an unorthodox thinker who challenges the status quo and then nail him to some planks. — about this card: traditional easter | Today is Good Friday. I don't know what Good Friday is about because I haven't read the Bible yet but I have, of course, discerned that there was a lot in the Bible about how much Jesus liked chocolate eggs. If I was a messiah everyone would be setting fire to clowns, then sitting about eating pudding afterwards. But chocolate eggs are okay I guess.

Easter Greetings Ecard with text: This Easter - do not eat any eggs that come out of a rabbit. They are not chocolate. — about this card: easter psa | I’m in San Francisco writing a script for a Canadian TV adaption of Breaking Bad. The story is set in Alberta. The lead character gets cancer, receives free government healthcare, makes a full recovery and lots of nice friends. I really tried to put a rabbit into the story but it kept touching balloon animals inappropriately. Rabbits. They're so wrong.,

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