Happy Holidays Cards | PAGE 2

Holiday Cards. An assortment of terribly tasteful Holiday Ecards. Free but ill-advised.

Christmas Columbus Day Easter Greetings Father's Day Fourth of July Halloween Greetings Happy Thanksgiving Mother's Day New Year's St Patricks's Day

Christmas Ecard with text: Merry Christmas. Good children receive gifts from Santa and bad children get eaten by the Christmas Leopard. Look - don't get angry at me, I don't make up the rules. — about this card: christmas leopard | The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.

Christmas Ecard with text: merry christmas from the u.s. department of homeland security. keeping the skies safe this holiday season! — about this card: homeland security | Christmas isn't just a capitalist holiday - there's a religious side to it as well. The origins of Christmas are very mysterious, especially if you're not good at research. Did you know that Jesus' parents might have been Mexicans? Scholars believe that's why they named their kid Jesus. It all makes sense when you remember they owned a donkey. Anyway, Merry Christmas Mexico (birthplace of Jesus)!

Christmas Ecard with text: A picture of Mary and Joseph riding away from the Egyption pyramids, because a large wire fence with a sign saying 'no immigrants' is in the way. — about this card: flight to egypt | A lot of people like to be contentious around the holidays, but not me. I like to play it safe.

Christmas Ecard with text: Merry Christmas. You're responsible for killing a tree. — about this card: tree killer | It's nice to have been missed, everyone; thanks. Where have I been? I've been working in secret on a cryptographic system based on ancient Sumerian cuneiform. In the process of this I did NOT accidentally unlock a dimensional gate between our world and that of Ereshkigal, goddess of the underworld. That was totally somebody else.

Halloween Greetings Ecard with text: Trick'o'treating teaches children how to run extortion rackets for candy. You might as well just TELL them to grow up and become bankers. — about this card: apprentice | I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.

Mother's Day Ecard with text: Happy Mother's Day. Thank you for turning me into a fully functional, mature adult capable of determining right from wrong. These turtles are having sex. — about this card: happy turtles | Anna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.

Mother's Day Ecard with text: Don't worry Mother. When I'm high I love you at least twenty-five percent more than usual. It just accentuates everything! — about this card: when im high | It's that time of year when we all remember our mothers. That's right. Mothers Day is nigh - at least, it is in North America. Different countries tend to celebrate Mothers Day at different times of year. I know, right? Why can't the world just agree on one thing? It's like we were all brought up badly or something. Anyway. This card has 25% more good taste than the others.

Christmas Ecard with text: Merry Christmas. And I am just as mystified as you about how the yellow snow ended up in your snowglobe. — about this card: yellow | I like to consider myself a spokesperson for Christianity. I may not have finished the Bible - I'm up to the section where Sheila begats Shelob, and Shelob begats Shamwow, etcetera - but I believe that a shortage of knowledge should never disqualify a man from writing about things on the internet. As a greeting card company owner, I also make a hell of a lot of money out of religious holidays - which technically makes me a religious leader of the old-school sort. So as your local religious leader I'm giving you all a Christmas card that you can send to your heathen friends, as a way of guilt-tripping them for being wrong about religion. Don't say I never gave you anything. Merry Holidays!

Christmas Ecard with text: everything in the world is fantastic. i love the government. merry Christmas — about this card: everything is fantastic | Let's all imagine, for the sake of the argument, that it's Christmas eve. What's a good Christmas movie? I mean, apart from Diehard? (This description has nothing to do with the card. Rules are for squares, baby).

Christmas Ecard with text: The best way to have a Merry Christmas is to not focus on the fact that paternity tests didn't exist 2000 years ago. (Picture of Joseph with a cloud over his head next to Mary holding a baby.) — about this card: paternity | Oh my god, the department stores have put up Christmas decorations already. Every year it's earlier and earlier. Civilized people like you and me understand that Christmas shopping starts on Christmas Eve, and in a heightened state of panic mingled with resentment and lots of mental swearing. You know what's ironic? I bet Jesus' parents didn't even celebrate Christmas.

Christmas Ecard with text: merry christmas. dear Santa, all I want this year is a leg of your finest venison. Dancer or Prancer is ok but not Rudolf cause he is some kind of genetic freak. — about this card: not rudolf please santa | The song 'I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus' offers a pretty sinister implication when you believe in Santa. When I was a little kid, thinking about this man carrying on with some kid's mum was pretty distressing. Sure, he's a notorious 'reverse burglar', but what's his deal with messing about with other kid's mums? It's understandable then that when other kids got better presents than me, it did kind of change my attitude towards their mothers. In unrelated news, for some reason I wasn't invited to Christmas parties as a child either.

Happy Thanksgiving Ecard with text: I'm bringing a friend to Thanksgiving. But you don't have to worry, it won't get awkward. Murry is a cannibal. (picture of a turkey at the table, getting ready to eat a cooked turkey.) — about this card: thanksgiving turkey | "Thanksgiving started when a bunch of Americans fed some half-starved illegal immigrants. The illegals, a bunch of religious extremists who liked to wear amusing hats, got drunk and kept calling the Americans 'Indians' for a joke. The Americans were cool about it though and, to commemorate that fact, the descendants of those illegal immigrants dine once a year with a bunch of people they don't like." (This is why people don't invite me to Thanksgiving anymore).

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