A lot of people like to be contentious around the holidays, but not me. I like to play it safe.
It's nice to have been missed, everyone; thanks. Where have I been? I've been working in secret on a cryptographic system based on ancient Sumerian cuneiform. In the process of this I did NOT accidentally unlock a dimensional gate between our world and that of Ereshkigal, goddess of the underworld. That was totally somebody else.
People. I'm back. Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated - by others, and also by me - for tax purposes, but let's not get into that now. The important thing is that I'm back, which means it's time we kicked off this holiday season properly. I'd like to start off Christmas with a Hanukkah card. I know, right?! Look at us all - knowing what Hanukkah is and being all cosmopolitan...
I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.
Anna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.
It's that time of year when we all remember our mothers. That's right. Mothers Day is nigh - at least, it is in North America. Different countries tend to celebrate Mothers Day at different times of year. I know, right? Why can't the world just agree on one thing? It's like we were all brought up badly or something. Anyway. This card has 25% more good taste than the others.
Some companies profiteer from war. Others profiteer from love. Which is worse? Here at Wrongcards™ we like to ask the hard questions. Like - is our company guilt-tripping you with stupid made-up holidays? Or are we culture assassins engaged in a war on savagery and kitsch? The answer to that question is really up to you. Or, rather, our lawyers, who very boringly overruled this slogan idea for our website: 'Wrongcards: The Halliburton of Ecards'.
I was in love once. It was an earth-shattering experience, a state of instant infatuation. As soon as I tasted that vanilla bean ice-cream cone I fell head over heals. Then, in that moment of ecstasy, some really annoying girl came up and asked for a taste. This is where the story gets bad. , , Turns out, she liked vanilla bean ice-cream too. You know what she does? She sits down right next to me and starts to take turns eating my ice-cream (!) And smiling at me in a simpering sort of way (!) Well, long story short, I only got to eat half of that ice-cream cone. But it was love that I felt for that ice-cream, I am sure of it. Makes me sad to remember, actually., , Sigh. That's love for you, I guess. , ,
I like to consider myself a spokesperson for Christianity. I may not have finished the Bible - I'm up to the section where Sheila begats Shelob, and Shelob begats Shamwow, etcetera - but I believe that a shortage of knowledge should never disqualify a man from writing about things on the internet. As a greeting card company owner, I also make a hell of a lot of money out of religious holidays - which technically makes me a religious leader of the old-school sort. So as your local religious leader I'm giving you all a Christmas card that you can send to your heathen friends, as a way of guilt-tripping them for being wrong about religion. Don't say I never gave you anything. Merry Holidays!
Let's all imagine, for the sake of the argument, that it's Christmas eve. What's a good Christmas movie? I mean, apart from Diehard? (This description has nothing to do with the card. Rules are for squares, baby).